Two weeks from now, I'll be in Cabo San Lucas screaming "Muchachos!" muhaha Perhaps I should brush up on the Spanish?  Now if only I can get in bikini shape by then... sighhh  Bikinis keep coming out smaller and my body keeps getting bigger.  I hate being that girl who insists on wearing a bikini when there is major spillage and flab going on, but we need to tan, too! 

I wish I had money to actually travel to multiple places before grad school starts, but I am thankful for what I can get.  Anyone down for some less costly weekend trips?

Anyway Cali boy, sorry if I am leaving too many footprints on your site...
if you ever make it to the East, hollaaaaa

Goodbye Winter.  Sorry, but I'm totally over you.  Welcome Spring!  Take away the harsh cold winds.  Brighten up these dark gloomy skies.  Let the birds come out to play.  Liven up these colors I see.  Sprinkle instead some yellow, green, violet and blue.  C'mon Spring.  Melt me away.  I'm waiting for you.

This entry is kind of embarrassing to write.  This is one of those times where I'm really glad I'm hiding behind a computer screen.  No stares of pity.  No "aww" and "I'm sorry."  No head shakes or shrieks of "Why did you do that?!?!"  and "tsk tsk."  As I write this, I'm humming loudly. [Note: When I think of something embarrassing I've done I hum because it drowns out the shame.] 

Where do I begin?  I guess the more time passed, the more I wanted "us" (Steve and CJ) back.  However, due to my logical reasoning, pride, and advice from others, I knew it was best to keep silent.  "Even if you feel that way, you can't be the one to suggest it (reconciliation) first," one friend said.  Another added, "You have to make it seem like you're doing great without him."  My brain agreed.  So did my pride.  After all, I hated seeing girls get so emotional and hung up over guys.  How wretchedly pathetic!  Get a grip on yourselves!  But today...I became one of them.  I know I know.

The past weekend in NYC confirmed my wavering feelings though.  I got scared.  What if I couldn't find anyone better or even on the same level as Steve?  Was I seriously going to play these stupid games and risk losing him forevever?  Would I ever know if he felt the same way?

So I did it.  I called him.  Deep down, I knew his answer.  Maybe I didn't.  But one thing was certain--I needed to confirm it.  Ring once.  Twice.  Please don't pick up.  Don't pick up.  Damn.  He picked up.  The three minute conversation ended as awkwardly as it started.  After "hello," I jumped straight to it.  "Do you want to get back together?" *cringes*  Without even a moment to think...without even a slight pause or hesitation in the voice, he said, "No."  That's all I needed to hear.  I didn't beg.  I didn't cry.  I hung up and I thanked God.

In a weird way, I was happy and sad.  Happy...because I knew there was no longer an "us" to put back together.  Sad...because "us" was really gone forever.  It feels good.  Never thought I'd use those words to describe rejection, but I feel like life can go on now.  I'm no longer like the chaotic, confused spring weather snowing when it's not supposed to be.  I know I won't look back and regret not having tried my all.

So this is it...my final entry on my relationship with Steve, the breakup, the aftermath--all that good stuff.  The window of hope left open has offically been shut, sealed, and left behind.  For those of you were sick of hearing about it, here you go.  This love story has finally ended.  I was sick of hearing about it, too.  Plus all these emo feelings don't match me anyway.  2009 has only begun and I think it's heading in the right direction or at least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.